Eat a bagel at your desk in the office (sesame, vegan cream cheese, chili onion crisp from Trader Joe's)
Read the news
Sob over the senseless, preventable cruelty of multiple genocides and recently released photos from one of the more recent major shootings at an elementary school
Write a poem (keep sobbing)
Get a Slack notification about a meeting starting in two minutes
Wrap up the poem (good enough)
Take a deep breath
Open a new tab
Scroll LinkedIn for a minute, look at job postings (as if that would help)
One minute to the meeting notification from Slack
Wipe face, drink water, think of an excuse
Join meeting
"Hey team, sorry, I restarted my computer and for some weird reason my camera isn't working. I'll figure it out after this meeting. We can go ahead and just get started. Does everyone have the agenda for this meeting?"
Pretend everything is fine
Keep your voice from shaking too bad
Keep busy
Check things off of your list
Find meaning in moments of productivity
Take an extra break to hug the kid a little tighter (if he'll let me, he's developing toddler bodily autonomy and loves to say no)
Try not to picture him at school in two years, cowering under his desk
He cries when he's scared, and
he's so loud when he cries
his emotions are so big
he doesn't know how to sob quietly
Should I teach him how to cry without making noise?
Another meeting in 10 minutes
Eat a snack
Tell him I love him again
Finish work
Attempt to find the delicate balance between numbing out with a doomscroll and giving him the undivided attention he needs
Hug my husband while he makes dinner for us
Try and focus on what I have, how I can be more grateful
Attempt to make light conversation at dinner and be fully attentive to the kid and the husband (it won't be like this for long)
Start the bedtime process
Try to remember how fleeting life can be without transferring anxiety onto your toddler while he's in the bath (he's only four years old, after all)
When he screams and fights you on which jammies to wear because he's tired (you grabbed skeletons because he usually loves them but tonight he wants the Spiderman ones which are, of course, dirty), try and remember that you won't have that many more bedtimes that require this much of you and one day he'll be old enough not to need you
(if he makes it through elementary school alive)
Take a deep breath
Respond with "I'm just feeling a little sad today, but I'm okay" when he notices what's wrong (he's too young, he's too young, they're all too fucking young)
Soak in every second of his little hug when he offers
Try not to picture the little arms in plastic bags held by devastated parents
Let him let go first
Read an extra book at bedtime even though it's late
Hold his hand and scratch his back while he falls asleep
Wipe your tears, don't let them disrupt him as he finally calms down long enough to relax into sleep
Watch him sleep for just a second longer,
the light from the hallway illuminating his soft, sweet face
he's so at peace when he sleeps
Try not to picture him in a casket
Go to your own bed
Doomscroll
Believe a tarot reader that says your life and the world is changing for the better
desperately hope they're right
Hold him tight when he comes into your bed for cuddles, even though you know he'll fidget for an hour and you'd rather sleep soundly
Try and respond to his every call for closeness (will you play with me? will you sit next to me? can I come with you?) and don't feel too guilty when you can't.
there are more meetings in the morning.